Its been a while..

As the title says its been a while since I have posted on the blog. Its not because I have forgotten and its not because I have moved on, its simply because I have been busy and I have had […]

A Big Birthday Day

Well where did the time go, another big birthday, a signigicant one and the first significant one I have had to face on my own. I am writing this and not sure if I will post it, I will keep […]

Where do I fit ?

While the days move on and you think you have come across all things for the first time, there is now another new thing. Yesterday I filled in a form and when asked name, address etc all good. Then came […]

Weekends

I really hate weekends now with a passion. I used to love them, it was a time to relax and get away from the routine of the long week, now its 2 long days that drag and are filled with […]

‘Tis the season

Again its here, Christmas is looming and for some reason this year its horrendous. On 28th Nov I put the tree up, willing myself and hoping I would start to feel the spirit. and what happens – nothing. A big […]

Emotions

I wonder if anyone else has the same problem as me. Over the last 2 years I seem to have lost the ability to be emotional or feel emotions, well, maybe I mean, a little emotion is there but feeling […]

The Dash

I was at a family funeral yesterday. so so sad.  Life is so cruel sometimes. In a conversation with a relative this poem  was mentioned and I heard for the first time that it was actually read by the priest […]

Changing but the Same

Over the last while, I seem to be changing, when I say changing I mean I can now look back and not collapse into a pile of mush. I can look back and feel sorrow, feel loss, feel sorry for […]

There are no words

I am having a bad time this week and as the title of this post says, there are no words for it. Things have changed a little now, feelings of grief and lonliness come in moments, moments that can last […]

Dreams to Remember

I have mentioned to a few that I have not had a dream about us together. Well, thats not quite true, I had 2 but while a body was there,  there was never a face or a look. The other […]

A New Life

One of the most exciting times in our long life together was when our granddaughter was born 4 years ago. I dont think I had seen such excitement in his eyes since our own children were born. He was born […]

Surrounding Space

Over the last few weeks a lot of things have been happening. I am performing as a fully grown up person and to all looking on, I am coping.  Well thats not the case, I feel like a I think […]

Another Time

Its already a time that seems to be far removed from my past life.  When I think about all thats happened to me, I think its all in the present, but its not and while I know this is not […]

A time of turmoil

Over the last few weeks I seemed to have been shot back in time. I am unable to perform the simplest of tasks. I am all over the place. I feel that everything is against me. While there is still […]

The Eve of 2 Years

Well, who can believe that 2 years has passed. It is unbelieveable really. Where did that time go. I cannot remember at least half of it. The first year is just a haze and anything that happened in the second […]

Lucky and Unlucky

The title of this post is exactly what this is all about. When I think of my life so far in some ways I am lucky and in other ways I am unlucky. I am lucky in the fact that […]

Frustration is one word

Over the last few weeks I have become more and more frustrated with conversations that lead into being told how to move on.  I am not ready to move on, at all.  The anger it brings to me is huge. […]

The Everyday Things

You would think that the big things would present the biggest problems but thats not the way its working out. I cant believe that so many small things are giving me so much pain. I am finding the little things […]

Spontaneity

I quess one of the things I miss the most in my new life is spontaneity. I am really finding it hard to never do anything without a plan. Its not that we did it often but the option was […]

Days Like This

Days like this are the pits. Today exactly 2 years ago was the day that changed my life forever. A pain, concern, trip to hospital, overnight stay, gallstones prediction, tests, a day later – all changed – problems arose and […]

Its Fast Approaching

Well its fast approaching now. Thats Christmas by the way and its proving to be so difficult. As I have said in a previous post I remember very little about last year so this is like the first Christmas I […]

That Memory Place

When I say that memory place, I mean exactly that. Its a place that has no directions to, no conscious abode and it has no road in or road out, in fact I have no idea where it is at […]

It’s Here Again

Today out shopping, I see the shops are stocking up for Christmas. Its been the same since I remember and its something I always loved to see. Its October still, but its started and people are starting to take notice. […]

Coming Home

At the beginning, everyone kept saying I had to get out and about, they were right of course, but what most people dont understand is that getting out and about is only half the problem. Its hard to go out […]

Left Behind

I am in a delemma now and its nearly causing a panic everyday. The world is moving and moving fast. Things have moved on and everyone is on to the next disaster, the next news, talking about the recent woes […]

A hard days night

Last night was one of those nights that sleep evaded me, I tried eveything but to no avail. On nights like that it just brings it home what has happened to me. I went to bed tired, but for some […]

My Mixed Up World

Good days and bad days they say, but a good day is yet to come, so it really is a question of the degrees of bad days meaning there are good bad days and bad bad days. In fact this […]

At the end of the day

For some reason the end of the day is different from any other time. I dont know why. When I eventually decide to go to bed each night, its like a mission that has to be done and a certain […]

Lost Adventures

Oh my, its just the pits really. Sleep is a strange thing now, sometimes its a full night, sometimes its none and sometimes its short and sharp. This morning I woke very early after a little nightmare. When I say […]

What day is it?

As Ive said in previous posts, days are all the same, Monday, Friday, Christmas, Easter or just plain ordinary Saturday. This is a major thing and has been there from the start and is showing no signs of changing. Everyday […]

A Sad Day

A couple of times a week I make a journey and its the same everytime. Walk, bus, walk, visit and then home again. Its a short trip and  people are going about their daily duties all around me, traffic, noise, […]

I know how you feel

So many emotions. At last I can now blank out when someone says "I know how you are feeling", unless its someone who has lost a husband/wife,  I do understand that any loss is horrific, and I am not demeaning […]

My Long Journey

I remember the morning I became a widow, a word I am not feeling love for, it was strangely peaceful. And strangely enough too, I didnt wail and rant when it happened, instead I glided and i am still gliding. […]

Vunerable, Its Just Me NowVulnerable

Vulnerability

This is a word that is kind of new to me. I didnt always understand people when they said they felt vulnerable. Its there all the time now and its not a nice feeling. Someone pointed out to me a […]

I’m Tired

Grief has many forms and I never know when it will crash upon me. It hits like a tornado sometimes and other times it is just there anyway, each day is different. When its there it just turns me upside […]

Appearance Deception

For many months I didnt bother with make up or dressing up, I just couldnt do it, I didnt feel like it, I didnt care, I didnt want to and I didnt see the point. Then one night I was […]

Songbird

I love this song. It is beautiful and sad. We chose this song to be played as the final song in the cremation service and like the other songs featured on this blog, it really does bring me there to […]

So Lonely

Lonely is a word I didnt give much notice to, why would I, life was always full but nothing prepared me for the lonliness of now. When I say I am lonely, I mean I am lonely to the extent […]

Wishful Thinking

This is something that I now know can be in the head of anyone of any age. It is something that has certainly been in my head over the last few months. A child might say, can he just come […]

A Scary Night

6 months on, and it was necessary to call a taxi home on my own. I cant tell you how vunerable I feel in situations like this at the moment. Even situations I would have been in on my own […]

Only Time

Enya was always a favourite in our house so it was easy to include a song in the funeral. I listen to this song now and it makes me sad but as with the other songs, I need to do […]

Day by Day

I get up in the morning and it's there, I go through the day and it's there, I go to bed at night and it's there. For years and years life was the same, even with the turmoils that came […]

The Advisors

I am somewhat amused by the expertise of people in matters when grief is consuming me. the advise is astounding. To be honest, I am not sure how to cope with this. People ask me if I am  getting out, […]

I’m Ok

Who would think that those 2  little words would become a part of daily life. "How are you" they ask   "I'm Ok" I say That's the way it goes no matter who asks. I am ok, I am standing, I […]

Jealous of the Angels

This song will always be very special to me. It was sung beautifully at the funeral mass and although my memory from that night is vague and I didnt really appreciate the song on the night, I have listened to […]

Remembering

In the quiet of the evening, I sit and think of you, Turning the book of memories Of the things we used to do. And as I turn the pages, My eyes are dimmed with tears, Knowing I have memories […]