Its been five years today and like at the start I just cannot believe it. Five years alone, five years living a life meant for us but now there’s only me living out a life which should have been different.
Its strange really that I am sitting here writing this post, feeling ok, the day is not throwing up any wobbles but I cant stop doing things. Perhaps I am afraid to stop. If I stop I will think about things. I dont want to do that, I know I will at some stage today or tomorrow but I am just deferring it. When I say strange I really do mean strange. I cant explain it, I am missing my old life so much still and that must be the way I will always feel, I really miss the closeness and friendship and loving and chat and everything my old life had. I call it my old life because in my head thats what it was. This way I am living now is new, new to me. I still feel I have lost part of me, a big part of me. My soul is lonely too.
Another strange thing is, remember when the engagement ring comes and then people ask ‘when is the wedding’ then ‘when is the baby coming’ and then ‘when is the second baby coming’ Well now it appears enough time has lapsed because several people have asked me recently ‘would I like to meet someone else’ ‘do I think I might be open to meeting someone else’ even ‘am I looking around to meet someone else’ crazy stuff.. My answer at this moment in time is NO I am not looking around for the next Mr Me. I am still in love with my husband, he may be gone but I still love him. No one on this earth could take his place at the moment. Fact. I cannot speak for the future, but seriously I cant even imagine it.
So onwards I go, alone and heartbroken. Thankfully I have reached the stage that I can have a good time sometimes, I can laugh sometimes, I can go through the days feeling somewhat normal at last. But its always there after an event or even before an event that I am missing someone very much. I am getting better at it thats all I can say today.