Well where did the time go, another big birthday, a signigicant one and the first significant one I have had to face on my own. I am writing this and not sure if I will post it, I will keep in in drafts till I feel I want to.
My birthday is today but the celebrations have been going on for 2 weeks. It has been great and I found myself getting involved and enjoying the festivities, with a weekend away, meals out etc. But today I woke up and the first thing I felt was pain. The pain in my heart was excruciating, here I was with family grown up, in a new apartment, with half my stuff gone because it didnt fit. Facing the rest of my life with part of me missing. Its pain like I havnt experienced since the first year. Where do I go from here, and how do I do it. I miss what was and should have been.
I am being picked up at 1pm to go out for more celebrations which is great but all I want to do is stay under the duvet and get close by delving into the depths of grief. I wont do that though, I will get up, have a shower and put a smile on and join in. I just need time to get my head together. I have not spent a significant birthday on my own since I was 18 so this is really hard. It will pass I know but the way I am feeling now, well, what can I say about it only that Im gutted. It wasnt meant to be like this. Why did it happen to me, I wish it could be different. I need to get my act together now so kettle on and outfit in the process of being picked out. The day can only get better…..