A Christmas without a reason

A short while ago I sold my house and it was going to be always a hard one. When the house was empty, I checked around all the rooms and while empty, when I walked into each room all I could hear was noise. Family memories resounded throughout the house. My thoughts went back to a time when all the family were living with us and how do you erase that and move on. You cant and why should you. That was my life and I would have it no other way. But nowhere was it written it would be this hard. Christmas is upon us and there is a huge gap from moving out to moving in. I am staying with a lovely relative and while not insulting anyone it’s time for me to have my stuff around me again. I wont have it for Christmas but in the new year it will happen.

This is bringing new feelings to the table. I really thought this year might be a little easier but instead it has turned out to be worse. I am in limbo with no base to miss what was. Who would have guessed that having no base could set you back in time. I feel I am more alone now than ever. I keep saying to myself that some people are homeless, some people are being bombed, some people are alone but nothing is working.

I miss the world I once lived in, I miss the excitement, I miss the anticipation of the holiday season. There is no glitter and no love of the time of year that was the most important once upon a time.

Last week shopping, I was on a floor of a store we loved, suddenly I looked over at the men’s section and then ‘Fairy tale of New York’ blasted out and like a ton of bricks it landed on my head, almost ran out the door of the shop feeling grief like the early days. It was so bad. When will this ever get better.

I have no base at the  moment and its taking its toll. I crave to be settled again but then will I ever feel settled again. Who knows. This is not what I want, I want to go back and I want to feel safe and comfortable again. I want my friend and I want to be part of life where I am normal. Normality is my goal in life now, will I ever achieve it though. I’m so sad and lonely at the moment but its only 10 days to christmas and another 7 to the new year. Not too much to wait.

Maybe next year will be different.

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