Last night was one of those nights that sleep evaded me, I tried eveything but to no avail. On nights like that it just brings it home what has happened to me. I went to bed tired, but for some reason sleep didnt happen.
The bed always seems huge on those nights, its like a big arrow is pointing to the other side shouting at me saying "look this side is empty". The empty pillow makes me feel so so sad and the feelings of longing is too great to explain. I get overwhelmed when this happens, although I spend most days and nights overwhelmed these days, I fight a losing battle with all the emotions going on in my head and heart. I didnt think it was ever possible to miss someone like this.
The next morning is the worst time, its then It is reinforced in my head that I am alone, alone in the bed, alone in life, alone in this world. This might all sound very sad and deep but the truth is, a piece of me has died and I am mourning it every day of my life now, I dont really care what anyone thinks and as someone used to say "deal with it" thats what I am saying to you now. This will pass as the day goes on, I think I am allowed to feel like this now and again. My mind and body is crippled with saddness at this very moment so I can say what I like. I will get on with the day now, going about the normal things where no one around me knows I have been to the depths of desperation only a few short hours ago. I feel like I am falling off the side of a mountain ever since the day of the diagnosis and its not changing for me yet. Thats Life – well its my life now.