Appearance Deception

For many months I didnt bother with make up or dressing up, I just couldnt do it, I didnt feel like it, I didnt care, I didnt want to and I didnt see the point. Then one night I was going out to dinner with family about 4 months after and I heard a voice in my ear saying – get ready properly and get yourself dressed up. I did and continued to use make up after that and dress myself with a little more thought. I didnt want to let my heart down. Yes, my husband was and still is my heart, so I will always listen to my heart.

Now, I do things normally when I am going out to face the world but its not as easy as it seems. There are so many emotions in this, as with everything I do these days. I want to look good, I want to try and feel good and I do it, dress up, make up on and walk out the door. Then I meet someone I know and they say "you look great" or "you are looking better" then it starts. My head is not listening to what they are saying, it is thinking, NO!!! I dont want to look better, if I am looking better does that mean I am over everything, do I look like I have forgotten, does it look like I dont care anymore, am I going about each day like nothing has happened. When I move on from chatting with the person, I am left with the feeling of guilt, sadness, neglect and feeling like I am insulting the memory of life as I knew it.

What is the solution I wonder, this is such hard work. Is there no way that my heart and head can be seperated. I dont know, its a trial and its getting no better. Can a broken heart ever be mended. Sometimes I dont think so, I hope it will ease but cant see how yet. I will continue to dress up, wear make up and try and look as best I can, because thats how I always did it for both of us, but I long to feel I want to do it just for me.

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