For some reason the end of the day is different from any other time. I dont know why. When I eventually decide to go to bed each night, its like a mission that has to be done and a certain amount of planning has to go into it. I dont like it, I always feel its not real. There is no reasoning to the feelings involved each night. Even with this all going on, my bedroom does have a certain amount of comfort to me. Before all this I was constantly complaining about my bed, but now I love it, I always feel safe in it, its familiar and its peaceful. I like being in my bed, even though I hate going to bed if thats possible for anyone to understand.
I am writing this post tonight because its a particularly painful night. I am feeling very lonely and sad. Its one of those nights that the whole disbelief thing is raising it head again. I just cant believe that this has happened and I cant believe I have to go to bed each night alone now. For so long I took things for granted, never thinking or believing this might happen. Now it has and as I said sometimes I have trouble believing it still. I have to dig deep to convince myself it has happened. This is such hard work and when will it get better, seemingly there is no time set for this, seemingly this is normal and seemingly I am normal. I wish I felt normal. They say time heals but at the moment I dont believe them, this is like a life sentence without parole. I cant but wish I would fall off asleep now but then again I dont want to because it will bring me to a new day, with the same feelings but always hoping it will bring me a new glimmer to get me through it.