So many emotions. At last I can now blank out when someone says "I know how you are feeling", unless its someone who has lost a husband/wife, I do understand that any loss is horrific, and I am not demeaning a loss with this post (and I am not including anyone who has lost a child) but It’s not the same as when you lose a husband/wife you have spent long years with and have planned to live out your life with. Anyone who loses a husband/wife knows that the whole course of your life changes, without your permission. You watch all the plans you made for your joint future go up in smoke. I guess this gives me more of a sense of why when I talk about my loss that people think it is OK to say, “I know how you feel. I lost my …..” And I won’t argue with that but losing a husband is a completely different experience that cannot be compared to any other loss, nor fully comprehended unless it actually happens to you. I even go as far sometimes to scrutinise the relationship of the person telling me they know how I feel and judge whether they might feel the same as me when it happened or if it happened to them. Crazy stuff and shows a crazy mind, but I think thats the way my mind is at the moment.
My life as I knew it is over and there is no other reading of it. My husband is gone, he is not by my side anymore. There is no one who will understand me in the same way. He was not perfect but he was perfect for me. We had our good times and we had our bad times. We fought, we loved, we argued, we fought the world together, we fought the world seperately. We agreed, we disagreed, we agreed to differ sometimes (that was only when I knew I was fighting a losing battle, which was seldom). I dont know how to handle this most times but I am learning. I dont want it, I hate it but I have to live with it now.