Oh my, its just the pits really. Sleep is a strange thing now, sometimes its a full night, sometimes its none and sometimes its short and sharp. This morning I woke very early after a little nightmare. When I say little I mean it seemed like a sec and had no conclusion. Anyway I was awake early and decided to head to the shop to free (before my breakfast) up the rest of the day.
The shop is near and on my return, met some neighbours at the bus stop waiting for the aircoach to take them on their holidays. It was a brief encounter and I wished them well on their trip. When I left them, its was the quickest collapse I have had since I have been alone. When I say quick, I mean before they were even out of sight, a boulder from the sky just dropped on my head. The feeling of loss was gigantic. It hit me with such a bang, I was destroyed with grief. How is it that we will never again head off on a trip together. That excitement of the going away and being together somewhere else. We had never really got to the stage where our holidays were for 2. Thats one thing we often talked about, the day we would head off to the sun officially as a couple again, with family grown up and we back to being a couple. We did get away on our own a few times, but not nearly enough. Why cant I have it, like so many others, why cant I have that feeling of adventure anymore with the one person I want it with. At the moment I dont ever want to leave my house again and I dont think I will ever enjoy a trip away again.
I have to pass the bus stop on a daily basis and this never happened before, this morning it crippled me with emotion. I am distraught now, feeling so sad and lonely, my life has been snatched from me without any consultation. Seeing the suitcases and the look of anticipation on the faces were just too much, the togetherness was too much. I was heading home on my own, to spend the day on my own. There will be others around but I will be alone. My stomach has that anxious feeling again, the one that strips me of any notion that I can do this and my heart is aching, so this one is going to take some time to pass, I know because Ive been there before too many times. Its just not fair. Life is not fair. I need a hug, but not just any hug.