I remember the morning I became a widow, a word I am not feeling love for, it was strangely peaceful. And strangely enough too, I didnt wail and rant when it happened, instead I glided and i am still gliding. It happened quickly, for some reason I felt the need to go into the room and although subconsciously I knew, I don't think it registered, I bent down and with a kiss I said don't worry I will be fine, I am ok. And then we had eye contact and a little tear dropped and then 2 short breathes and then my heart broke in two. I had lost my soulmate, I had lost the one person in the world who had got into my soul and liked being there. I was torn assunder like never before. I can remember the panic and desperation the engulfed my body. It was like a dream, I had no control over it and I was scared.
Someone said to me at the funeral that the worst part had yet to come and while part of me knew that, I still didnt know how I could feel any worse than I did then. And that person was right, little did I know how bad it would get. How heartbroken I felt, how lonely and how devastated I was going to feel
I am into the second year now, 15 months and 4 days exactly. The first year was a haze and it really was, there are whole parts of it that I don't remember at all but I can say it was the worst year of my life , I remember that for sure. Its like a cloud has lifted and I am feeling the true loss now. There is more physical pain with this and the yearning just to see or touch is overpowering most of the time. Now, I am upset all the time. Morning, evenings and nights are painful,, I have let things slip again, I am not on top of anything. In fact I feel I want to scream all the time, I am so tired. Sometimes I find I can be overwhelmed by the smallest of things.
In the first few months, I remember wishing a lot of things, like wishing we had hated each other, so I wouldnt have this pain, I wished we had divorced, so I wouldnt have this pain. And now sometimes I wish it was any other time other than this moment, so I wouldnt feel the pain. I remember over the last few years, I thought we were becoming unique for having a long marriage, as lots of people I know were seperated, but now I see thats not the case, I see lots of couples everywhere I look, older couples who I envy living their retirement as it should be. I crave for all the things we will not do together when we retired. I am so sad that we couldnt do the couple thing at the end as well as the the beginning. I wanted to, we wanted to. But its not to be.
I can see this is a journey with no destination, its a long lonely journey that I will travel alone without the one person I would pick to travel with me.