Lonely is a word I didnt give much notice to, why would I, life was always full but nothing prepared me for the lonliness of now.
When I say I am lonely, I mean I am lonely to the extent that I feel isolated. Sometimes my house is full with visitors but it does not fill the gap that is there from losing my mate, husband, lover and above all my best friend. It is a huge hole that cannot be filled even if there was a thousand people surrounding me I would still be lonely. I realise now I must have chatted on all day about everything and nothing because now I find I start chatting but then realise no one is listening. Whenever I had an idea I would just blurt it out, sometimes I would get a reaction (most times) and sometimes I would not. Sometimes I would try and persuade and win and sometimes it just wasnt that important. The famous words "what do you think" followed all my statements as did the reverse, but now there is no one to say it to. No one to run things by. Dont get me wrong, there are plenty of people to say things to, but it was different then, it was just real, it was just life as I knew it, it was my life and now its over. I must make up my mind myself and go with it or not.
I am so lonely, its painful, I miss the closeness, I miss the chat, I miss the talking about nothing and everything, I miss the companionship, I miss being loved, I miss loving, I miss being someones focus in life, I miss knowing that someone else would put their own life at risk to save mine, I miss feeling the safety, I miss the protection which I didnt realise was there. I just miss…..
The silence is deafening sometimes even thought life is running alongside me, people are around me, but in my world there is silence… the part of my head reserved for us is empty so there is silence, my heart that used to skip a beat with just one look is beating but there is silence…..
Its a horrible feeling each morning when I realise this is life now. When I wake, I am always confused, then it happens, the realisation always comes with a bang and I am back to the trial of going through another day on my own.