I quess one of the things I miss the most in my new life is spontaneity. I am really finding it hard to never do anything without a plan. Its not that we did it often but the option was always there.
It would go like "do you fancy going to… " and usually the answer was yes. But now its all down to plans. No one is free when I want to do something on the spur of the moment, maybe they are but I dont ask. But honestly do I ever want them to be, why, maybe because they are not my friend, my real friend, the type of friend who just is there!!
I like the way organised events crop up but I would also like if I was asked if thats the way I want it. I would like if I was asked if I would like to do it that way or this way. I dont need it decided without consultation. I am lonely, I miss the ordinary way my life was. I miss the way I could decide what I want to do. Maybe it shows I was too bossy, I dont know. I just dont know. All I know is I cannot get a handle of this new way and I am hating it.
I am sure I will get used to it at some stage but for now, I'll just run with it. Though I wonder is this it!! What if I never again get to do what it is I want to do. What if I just fall in with everyone elses plans. Will I get used to that. I will have to or else just stay in my house for the rest of my life. It's a dilemma alright. Its a strange feeling to think that never again I will just go out to socialise and feel part of things, I just feel I am tagging along. I dont belong. Why would I anyway, I detached myself from the real world to become half of someone else. This is just the pits…..