Over the last few weeks a lot of things have been happening. I am performing as a fully grown up person and to all looking on, I am coping. Well thats not the case, I feel like a I think a child might feel on the first day of school. Lets see can I explain it to you, it used to be there was me and then I was surrounded with a protection from the world and then the world. Now its me and then the world. Its a quite scary thing to discover I have no protection and I have to learn to build up a protection with a self build.
All my adult life was spent as one of two. I have not made a decision alone since I was 20. I thought I did, I felt I did but looking back there was always the words said ” what do you think” “will we” “will I” ” I am going to do that (but always getting the feedback)” It is so alien for me to make a decision and then not have to look right or left for a nod. When I make a decision now its done and dusted and whats more scary, I cannot blame anyone if its a wrong decision, not sure I am liking that part. I have had to step back over the last few months and take stock and I have have had to make a decision to only live in my personal life for a while. I am finding it hard to cope at the moment and its like everything has crashed down on me like a lead balloon and to survive this, I need to sort myself out first and then re enter the big world.
Everything is in a bit of a mess at the moment, its going to take a while to sort everything to get to a place where eveything is running smoothly. I really dont think anyone could envisage what is involved in losing a husband, and I dont mean the losing the love, losing the partner, losing the soulmate, losing the friend, losing the lover, I mean the practical things when they are not in black and white on paper. I will get there but it is so difficult. What makes it more difficult is doing it alone. The loneliness in these situations is painfull and anyone wh0 has been through it knows this, there is actual pain, loneliness pain is pain that 2 tablets and a glass of water will not fix, it is a pain that is buried in your body, unreachable. Its all a bit surreal, the person I want the most to help me is gone and thats why I am here like this now. That doesnt even make sense but I think some will know what I am talking about.
I wish for things everyday, every wish I wish for cannot be granted. I know that.