The Everyday Things

You would think that the big things would present the biggest problems but thats not the way its working out. I cant believe that so many small things are giving me so much pain. I am finding the little things so difficult and its just a daily task now to cope with these.

I am talking about the smallest things that people take for granted. The small things that occur in our lives everyday. Theres not a day goes by that I dont feel the loss, the loss of my life how I knew it. How can this be, how did this happen. My life doesnt have a focus anymore. I am floating, floating around and I am functioning but feeling nothing. There is not a time when I put the washing in the machine that I dont think of the past, there is not a time that I clean the ashes from the fireplace that I dont think of the past and it goes on and on and on ….

I was out today with a friend shopping and we met some people we knew, one of which lost her husband 3 months after me, we chatted and yes we were on the one planet. We could identify with each other. We felt the same, the disbelief was the same, the loneliness was the same. We could identify with each other. It was nice to feel someone knew how I felt.

Again when I came home,  there was no one to see what I bought, I tried to not feel anything, but it didnt work.

I miss the silliness of the days of the past, its gone and gone forever, I would do anything to bring it back. I know I cant but I still wish and I still cant stop looking at the doorway and willing that it will open and life will be back to normal. The pain is big tonight and I am feeling it strongly and its one of those nights that the pain is the only way I can feel some of the closeness of the past.

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