One of the biggest regrets I have had over the last few years was turning up at social events that I was so uncomfortable at that my stomach was nearly sick with the anxiety. Its difficult to recreate your social life, but I turned up and with a big smile on my face, I behaved as expected and to all about me, was having the time of my life. Sadly, this was not the case. I was in fact, having the worst time of my life. I am not a stupid person, I know that people are living their lives and they didnt know how I was feeling, how would they. I had lost my husband and part of me was gone too. Now, I have reached a stage, where I can go out socially and actually enjoy myself.
Late last year, it was like a switch had been flicked in my head. I was preparing for christmas, and finding the month of December, so overwhelming, that I as usual just wanted to go asleep and wake up in January. But, this was a different feeling, I suddenly realised that I was striving to make Christmas the same, and realised there and then that it could never be the same again, so why am I trying to do the impossible. So, for the first time in a long time, I just said stop.
I am not the same person now, I hope to be happy again some day, and I probably will. When I say that, I mean I will be happy in a different way and thats good because I could never be happy the way that I was because I have lost that and it will never come back no matter how much I wish for it. It’s a long road I am travelling but I am a new person now, one that has to find my own way, always in the knowledge that I had a life with and without the love of my life. The pressure of people asking if I would like to meet someone is gone, I simply say no, at this moment in my life I am not looking for that, I am still in love with my husband.. I am feeling better now, thankfully but I will take this journey at my own pace from now on.