Changing but the Same

Over the last while, I seem to be changing, when I say changing I mean I can now look back and not collapse into a pile of mush. I can look back and feel sorrow, feel loss, feel sorry for the things I didnt say or do, but above all feel so so lonely.

That scares me sometimes because while I know my life is going on, I somehow dont want to leave it behind. It probably doesnt make sense to anyone else but when I panic a bit it is quite clear to me I dont want to move on at all. I am moving only because thats what is supposed to happen, I am moving on for my family, I am moving on for my friends, I am moving because….

Like the title says, I am changing but still the same. I can do almost anything now but I dont want to, but I do it anyway. Still I get up, do what I have to do and go to bed. My heart goes out to anyone who loses a partner whom they loved dearly and during their time together didnt have a family. Looking back, I am not sure how I would have coped without my children. There would have been no focus or no need to continue through any day. I am not hugely materialistic, I like nice things like anyone else but really all you have in the world are the people who care about you, the people who are there for you no matter what. They are the jewels in your life and thats what gets you through.

Recently lots of things are happening, and its all down to me to decide what to do, I am doing it but I am also scared. Its hard and its lonely. I miss the joint decisions so much. I suppose what I miss is what I had. I suppose I have made progress, I do feel I have, but then it can take a very small thing to send me backwards again so I now know what people mean when they say it takes a long time. The truth is my heart is broken and life will never be the same again, but I am still here and I have to carry on. I am slowly learning to live life differently so again the title is true, I am changing but mostly feeling the same.

Sometimes I can still go into that mode of closeness that the immediately after grief gave me. It needs to be done to feel the closeness I had. While I hope my life becomes more meaningful in time, I really do hope I never lose the ability to go to that place in my head and my heart where I can still feel that closeness I now long for and will never have again.

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