Grief has many forms and I never know when it will crash upon me. It hits like a tornado sometimes and other times it is just there anyway, each day is different. When its there it just turns me upside down and keeps gnawing away at me until it subsides. There is no order to it, there is no time limit on it, there is no day of the week for it and there is no specific thing that sets it off. I can go forward and then backward all in the space of an hour. At times, I question my sanity. It could be as simple as putting the clothes in the washing machine, but, when it happens, that’s it for a while and I become consumed by it. Sometimes doing something to distract me can ward it off, but more times than not, its there to stay for a while.
During this time and afterwards I feel empty, confused, my memory becomes foggy. Sometimes I want to talk to somebody and sometimes I want to be left alone. My stomach plays tricks on me by feeling hungary and then when I eat something it makes me feel sick. My head throbs and my heart is beating like mad. I am always over sensitive and tearful and its times like that I start worrying about the future and all it entails. I start feeling I am never going to cope on my own and even sometimes start worrying about who is going to look after me when I need it. The one person who would do anything for me wont be around to do it when I might need it.
I always find my house or I should say my home is where I need to be when I feel like this. Its safe, its friendly, its familiar. I can cry when I want to without being caught and I can talk to myself and talk to the one person who would have made me feel better. I dont feel out of place in my home. I feel the nearest I can to being myself.
The way I feel after all this passes for a while is exhausted, there is no other word for it. I know I will feel a bit better in time, but the exhaustion is draining to mind and body. Because this happens all the time, the outcome is usually I get tired of trying and get tired of the everyday toil of trying to come to terms with my life as it is. I suppose I get tired of trying, because thats all it is these days, trying to live out each day, without much interest. Everyday is the same no matter what the occassion. Life is just not interesting anymore. Its mundane thats all it is to me at the moment.