That Memory Place

When I say that memory place, I mean exactly that. Its a place that has no directions to, no conscious abode and it has no road in or road out, in fact I have no idea where it is at all. It is a place that only exists in my world and when I leave it, the memories stay behind.

When an occasion crops up and it nears, I get prepared in mind and body, everything needs careful planning so it will happen naturally, this might seem strange but I need to focus so I can do it and all seems to be going good, then the day or night arrives and bang!!! my mind goes to that place without even asking, sometimes it scares me, because afterwards I wonder what way other to see me when Im there. Do I look like a zombie, so far no one has commented on my demeanour, maybe I look no different or maybe I do and they are too polite to tell me.

On the humerous side of this, perhaps I should stop going places completely, at some stage I have to stop spending money on things that I cant remember. Its strange, when the event is happening, while I feel a bit vunerable and I feel lonely, I seem to understand where I am and take part in whatever it is and always have an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach but it is not apparent that my mind has gone to that place. I find myself nervous in situations that would not have made me nervous before. Its like my security anchor has been detached from me and I am floating around in whatever direction I am going without anyone to mind me. Mind me!!!!! how does someone my age need someone to mind me, but I liked that safe feeling I have lived with for 36 years where someone is always looking out for me.

I really hope that this passes with time. I look back on these situations and wonder will my life now only be the mundane things, because anything else will produce no memories. Life is so different now and when I return home there is that huge empty space that used to be filled with questions and interest about where I was. I miss the desire to see the welcome smile, the desire to talk but the biggest thing of all, and the most painful thing is I miss the hug. XX


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