There are no words

I am having a bad time this week and as the title of this post says, there are no words for it. Things have changed a little now, feelings of grief and lonliness come in moments, moments that can last 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months. Earlier in the year from about February till June, it was bad, now since monday this week, since the dream, its been horrendous. All I can say is things are bad, I am feeling bad and while its been 2 years, when is it ever going to get better. My head tells me it will, my heart tells me it will never get better.

At the moment, I am devastated, I am devastated that I am on my own for the rest of my life without the plans and dreams we had to grow old together. I get up in the morning and do what I have to do and go to bed. Every so often I get tired, tired of trying to be normal, tired of being a functional human being. I know this will get better but when.

Everytime I think I am coping, bang smack on the head it happens again, that big black cloud that covers me and breaks me down. I miss my old life, I miss the closeness of having someone who understands me, who loved me like no one else has, I miss the companionship, I miss the friendship of someone who knew me like no one else did.

I am doing all the right things, back working, meeting friends, going places and doing everything as I should, I just cannot wait for the day that I can do all those things with some enthusiasm. I am assured by people I will, and maybe I will, I hope I will and in the same breath I hope I wont, mainly because then I will leave a part of me behind, a part I dont want ever to forget, the part of me that was a part of someone else and the part of me that belonged..

You have no idea how much I would like to get out of my own head at the moment. I will stick at it though because I must, so until then….

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