‘Tis the season

Again its here, Christmas is looming and for some reason this year its horrendous. On 28th Nov I put the tree up, willing myself and hoping I would start to feel the spirit. and what happens – nothing. A big fat nothing. I cannot feel anything. I hoped I would, I wished I would but no.

A few days ago, I headed off to do a bit of shopping and was ok, felt ok, bought a few things and in general it was normal. I went into a local shop and withing 5 minutes, something landed on my head, the only word for it was loneliness. It was excrutiating. It just filled me from toes up to the top of my head. I was lonely, I felt lonely, I was devastated. My heart was beating fast and I needed to leave the shop. On my way out I met a friend and her husband and she offered me a lift home and I accepted.

Once home, the feeling didnt go away, it just lingered on and on all through the night. However will I deal with this, how will I cope, how will I carry on. The void in my life is huge, I really need a hug now. There is a desperation with this feeling. I am so lonely and thats the bottom line. I have to do everything myself, all by myself. Thats ok some of the time but then its not. Oh how I yearn for the old days when we went out and we came home. Now I go out and I come home to what – home to nothing..,,  when I feel like this, I do feel guilty, I feel guilty that the people in my life might not understand this, it is no relection on their presence, its just I miss my mate and whatever they can do for me does not fill the gap that losing my mate left… hugs required tonight…..

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