This is a word that is kind of new to me. I didnt always understand people when they said they felt vulnerable. Its there all the time now and its not a nice feeling. Someone pointed out to me a few years ago that she felt this way when she was socialising since the breakup of her marriage. Honestly I didnt understand fully what she meant, as deep down I thought sure you have been on your own socialising before the break up and what really is the difference. Well there is a huge difference in the two situations.
Recently I was out and about with a friend and the night finished with a visit to a local pub, it was late and a lot of people there had a lot of drink taken. The minute I walked in, it started. I think its because I didnt have the back up is the best way I can explain it. I can find no other explaination for it. Even when I was on my own before, subconsciously I know I just had to shout and I would be saved. Crazy stuff really. That never happened in my life but obviously it was in the back of my mind that I could. Or maybe its just that in my relationship I felt secure and it gave me the confidence to deal with life. I had no idea it was that way, I suppose life does that to you in a lifetime marriage.
I know that night I just wanted to go home at that stage. I didnt feel comfortable, I felt vulnerable and not at all confident to deal with the situation. Strange as it seems I knew a lot of faces in the place but really I knew no one, I didnt know them well and I know this was my problem and not theirs but that didnt help.
Oh how this new life is presenting new tasks everyday and each one is gigantic in its own way, but each one is so personal and private that it can take my whole mind and body out of the situation and give the impression I am not part of things but I dont know how to do it any other way.