What day is it?

As Ive said in previous posts, days are all the same, Monday, Friday, Christmas, Easter or just plain ordinary Saturday. This is a major thing and has been there from the start and is showing no signs of changing.

Everyday is the same, no matter what day it is or what I have to do. Each day I wake up and have to focus for a while to see what day it is, then have to go over what I have to do and then procede to get through it. Its all work and all constraint. They are the words coming to mind. The only way I can explain it is to say that each day is a challange, I always feel I need to rush, I need to just clock up the hours and the quicker it goes, the quicker its one more day under my belt to the time when things are easier and I can cope better. There is always a panic feeling there in the pit of my stomach and the worst days are when I feel the day is dragging. I dont wish the day away, but I do need it to go fast. When I am busy, its fine, when there is nothing on, it goes so slow and the worst time is the weekends. I hate them, I really do. There isnt a point to the weekend anymore. Everyday is a weekday. Spontaneity is gone out of my life now, anything I do is planned, always planned. I know thats the way lots of people operate and thats probably the way we operated too, but there was always the little bit of spontaneity to keep things interesting.

During the day I always have to check again what day it is, just to make sure Im on track with what I have to do. It seems mad Im sure, but thats the way it is. Then there are the days when I do nothing at all. I always know when I am going to have one of those days immediately after I wake, I know the way the day will pan out, days mean nothing anymore, thats just how I feel. This is something I will have to get used to I know, but its hard. I hope days will have more meaning in time, and I maybe even will look forward to and appreciate my days again without counting the hours until the day is over or the occasion is finished. I feel I dont belong anywhere anymore, my place in the world has changed and I am struggling to fit into my new role.

Oh how I miss the way things were before each day became such a challenge.

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